Why are we not able to say NO ?
All over the world the perception of society has given a connotation of negative feeling to the word “NO”. Thus making it difficult for us to look into the eye of the other and say “NO” upfront. We feel that by saying “NO” we may sound harsh or it may hurt others.
After all we want to look nice in front of the world, our basic human need wants us to be socially acceptable and liked. It takes courage and integrity to say “NO”.
Finally we try to save our self by walking on the path of precariousness. We add but, buy time, avoid the situation temporarily but we put our best forward –
” I think that should be fine but i need to check my schedule.”
” Just give me sometime to work around it.”
” OK, I will get back to on this very soon.”
“That’s a nice idea, but i am busy today.”
Whereas the actual “NO” is a neutral word. Just opposite to yes. It is just the human feelings it has been entangled into for many years and yet many to come.
As Teenagers – school time
Teenager’s life phase starts with puberty going viral ; overpowering their general thinking abilities. They develop a strong urge of being liked by their friends, have a group, become famous, have a strong social media identity etc.
Their school also thinks that they need to participate and be a part of some community activity or function. There is a pressure of doing things which the school system and mentors feel are very important for their development.
In all this hustle, it is difficult to even understand for a teenager; what is right for them and what’s irrelevant. School authorities treat every child as the same. But on the other hand everyone is different. It’s important for them to analyse what they really like to do.
Furthermore say no where they feel that something is not feeling right. This is the time when they have to explore themselves.
Parents of these teenagers should also let their kids explore their talents. It is not mandatory for every teenager to do everything. Ultimately they need to pick one career and one way of life.
Teenagers should start developing the habit of saying “NO” to things which are ir-relevant to them and discuss why they feel so with their close ones.
This is a crucial time as if the habit is not developed at this stage; most probably the suffering can be for lifetime.
As female and house wife
I personally know many house wife who are not able to say “NO” at all to their family members. After marriage, trying to be the ideal wife, mother, aunt makes many lose their actual charm and influence.
What happens when we try to hide our true feelings?
They keep everything inside and keep doing what others expect from them. Keeping our desires inside us for a long period of time has physical implications on the body.
It first strikes the digestive system and leads to problems like acidity, gas, stiff muscles. When the body is not able to digest properly it starts accumulating the waste in the form of problems like thyroid, tumor, obesity. In the mid ages females specifically develop problems related to the reproductive system. As per research around 15% of the entire world faces some kind of infertility problem.
The society has made invisible definitions for a housewife that they are meant to take care of the husband and child. With them they also have to take care of the relatives. If they say NO then they will be judged.
There are many daily situations in which a “NO” is desperately required like
- You have to follow some rules gives by relatives which are just not for you
- You have wear clothes as per what family accepts
- Attend gatherings which are meant to be important as per in laws
- Change your way of making food, arranging household, eating habits, daily life routine, managing kids etc.
This is the most tough one as your mind don’t even know that you can use NO as well. You just speak your pondering heart which is desperately seeking your partner’s attention and you will do anything to get that except saying NO.
True love starts with acceptance of the other’s personality as whole. There are things that come to them automatically like charisma, attractiveness, social skills, likability. On the contrary they have their own set of limitations which they may become comfortable with. E.g Being introvert, dislike for particular life style, controlling behavior, having strict rules and discipline. Choosing the ONE may starts with a click but becomes long lasting when we open up our Yes and No for them.
When you say NO , it states that you are telling your partner what your heart does not want to do at all. You want to maintain transparency and openness in your relation making it more strong and respectful.
Sure. Oh that will be done very soon.
I think that will be perfect.
Yes, I agree with you.
How many times have you said the above at your office while you really wanted to say –
“No, Not at all !
I don’t have time.
That’s a bad idea. That work is not even required.
Its a failed plan already.
Saying the 2 letter word may sound difficulty but it is very important to use the same at work place.
- It not only shows your good time management skills but also your detailed understanding of your work and priorities.
- Saying Yes makes you loose the focus of the work going in your mind. As per a survey when you get back to work which you were doing earlier after some meeting, it takes you minimum 30 minutes to gain the momentum back.
- It saves you from wasting time of yours and others. Simple NO does not let the other person go into the mentor mode of explaining you. At the same time you also don’t put time in ir-relavant topic.
There is at least 1 moment in everyday that they feel like saying NO but they say Yes. They go against their will power . Apparently their mind is not with them
Now you will be able to say “NO” without any heavy heart and preserving your integrity –
1. Self awareness – research on yourself
Accept yourself as you are – know your talent and weakness. Know what you can and cannot do, your break even point. Research on your self can never be over. You can also try making your own SWOT to make the right direction and rules for life.
2. Write it on the paper
It has been observed that we are not able to analyse the situation’s repercussions before. We go through it or just do it and after result we realize it was not for us.
Learn from people’s mistakes as we don’t have that long life to commit them all by ourselves.
Once we have done a through research on ourselves we need to jot it down on the paper to convert it into permanent memory. What do you like and what is something that you will not do in life , what is something that bothers you a lot , disturbs you. Find out your NO for life.
3. Have rules
Exercise the strict “NO” of your life. E.g. you don’t drink/ have cigarette or work after 8 pm . Let people know those rules. This will make people idealize you more rather than think negative about you. This gives an impression that you have your own morals and belief system and you work as per that. People will already have an idea or sense what & when you can be pursued for and what not. This will really make your life easy.
4. Think before you speak – don’t blabber Yes or No
Take a pause before replying to others. This gives some time to your mind to understand weather you should or should not go for something.
When we are asked questions our subconscious mind immediately starts finding answers or solutions. It is pure form of our soul which do not encounter the word NO. It does not not analyse that it can say NO to things it does not want to think.
5. Have a calendar and then make it visible to all
From time to time make an awesome calendar which includes –
- When you are totally busy. This can be your own focus time of the day when you need to devote that time to analysis and learning tough topics.
- Coordination time. At office you can share google calendar to tell people when they can set meeting with you or can use apps like Calendly etc.
- Family Time – As teenager or housewife you can simply mention your family time or busy time on the status of the apps you use often to connect. e.g. busy from 4 – 7 pm.
- Free time – This time you can been seen chatting, on social media, going for some entertainment etc.